Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
How's work?
Spinning.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
