Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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