I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
