did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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