dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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