Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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