i think my mom watched the whole time
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Randomize
