if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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