Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
