Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
