And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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