I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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