I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
