WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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