just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
