i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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