fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
