In the future we'll all be gay
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
