ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Did I show you my penis last night?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
