i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
