I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
