The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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