The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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