took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
