i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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