the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
