is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
