If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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