Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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