i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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