MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
