Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
