she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
