I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
