We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
