Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize