I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
