I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I wish there were birth control emojis
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
