We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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