Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
