A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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