Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
