So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize