I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
did i just pee glitter
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
