Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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