Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
