Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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