I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
