I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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