Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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