u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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