You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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