You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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