Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
