But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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