my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize