filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
The power of my boobs compel you
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
