Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
