She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
she peed on how many people?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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