stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
