1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
