Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
