I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
