I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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