Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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