I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Randomize
