Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize