hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
