I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Girls should come with a carfax report
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
